New Directions Auditions!

[rachel berry]

people change and promises are broken
clouds can move and skies will be wide open

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I was beginning to get annoyed at Mr Schuester now. He had been so committed to New Directions before the summer and now he hadn't even bothered to turn up on time. We needed a coach who was going to outdo Miss Corcoran (I refused to call her mom, because for sixteen years she hadn't been), or it would all be down to me. As much as I liked taking control, I was only a junior and I shouldn't be given so much responsibility. Plus, half of the people in the club wouldn't listen to me because, well, because they never did. Watching the door expectedly, I began to think of things I could do to help us win Sectionals, and then go on to beat Vocal Adrenaline. Apart from sing as flawlessly as I already did, not much came to mind. I had to admit it, even I needed Mr Schuester. Looking at the time, I rolled my eyes and shook my head a little, fully aware that I stamped my foot as I did so. "Oh for goodness sake. This is outrageous." I said with a hint of anger and impatience. He better walk in some time soon, or I would march myself down to his office (or possibly the guidance office, I would stand a higher chance of finding him there) and forcibly drag him into the auditorium. Crossing my arms, I drummed my fingers on the opposite arm, looking at Brittany as she spoke. She was always so happy and carefree, I envied her. She was popular and she had kissed every guy in school (even Kurt). Her and Santana were so laid-back about their relations with the opposite gender, having sex more than they had hot meals and texting dirty messages with no fear of being turned down. If I sent a message to someone with suggestive content, it would get forwarded to everyone in the school and be quoted by jocks and cheer-leaders every time they saw me. The hierarchy in this school was infuriating.

The doors opened and my head jolted upwards to look at it, my hands immediately going to my hips. I was sure it was Mr Schue, but sadly I was disappointed. Dropping my hands to my sides when I saw Noah, I looked back to the other people standing around me and waited to judge their reactions to our newest arrival. I could tell a lot from someone's facial expressions, it filled me in on the latest news. Was Santana with him, or Quinn? Had he really bullied Aidan, and I had just caught the civil part? Would his presence but Lorelai at unease? Would Brittany.. well, Brittany's expression hardly ever changed, apart from confused to gormless. I waited for him to say hello to Quinn, Santana and Brittany, the obvious choices for his attention, but instead he said my name. I looked up at him and smiled slightly. I wasn't sure why I smiled, it was Noah after all and he enjoyed talking to anyone with breasts, but it was probably because he had chosen to say hey to me instead of the others. "Hello Noah. Nice of you to join us. Didn't see you in class though. How are things?" I asked him, diverting my line of eyesight to Santana for a split-second and not even trying to hide the smug smile that had appeared on my lips. This horrible need to be better than everyone else sometimes took control of my body, and this was one of those times. As swiftly as I had looked at her, I looked back at Puckerman and shook my head when he asked if Aidan had auditioned. Well, at least he was being nice, which probably meant he hadn't bullied him. I was glad, I liked to see the best in him seeing as he had stopped tossing Slushees my way. "Not yet, we're still awaiting the arrival of our punctuality-challenged director. It's nice of you to recommend him though, well done." I said with a smile, putting one hand on his upper arm briefly to back up my words and then letting it fall back to where it had been before.

TAGGED ! [/color]everyone
MUSIC ! something bad - wicked cast
WORDS ! 700 w/o code - hooray for round numbers
OUTFIT ! clickity
CREDIT ! MEELA! on CAUTION 2.0![/font][/size]

[quinnfabray]

If you has told me this time last year that I would be sitting in the auditorium waiting to start auditions for Glee club, which I was in, and even friends with the members I would have laughed in your face and had you beat up just for suggesting such nonsense. It was kind of funny how things can change in a year. Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes like that Rent song said. (Yes, I’d seen the musical. Rachel has made it one of her personal goals to make us all see every play and or Broadway show via DVD. Rent was actually one of my favorites. I loved Angel and Mimi, they were my favorites and the music was pretty decent too.) But now I felt most comfortable around these people. I felt safe in saying that they were my friends, and I was okay with that.

Santana was the first to come in after me, and then Brittany showed up to nobody’s surprise. I waved to both of them, nudging Santana when she sat next to me in greeting, and then sent Lorelai a smile when Rachel introduced us.
“Nice to meet you.” I said politely.

When Puck walked in I couldn’t control the smile that immediately appeared, stretching wide across my face. I shoved the now empty sandwich wrapping into the brown paper bag that Mrs. Jones had scribbled my name across earlier this morning and stood up from my chair, walking over to him and waiting to let him make the first move.

TAGGED . everybody! WORDS . two six zeroOUTFIT ta-da!!
LYRICS . the silence - mayday parade. NOTES . sorry i've been MIA. i'm back!!
CREDIT . [url=http://z10.invisionfree.com/CAUTIONTOTHEWIND

[lorelai anchors]

TELL ME THAT YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT
&& Y O U R B I R D C A N S I N G
BUT YOU DON'T GET ME, YOU DON'T GET ME

The longer we were forced to wait for Mr. Schuester, the more restless I became. I didn’t feel too sick, because the medication was already starting to kick in, but I was feeling frustrated because I really just wanted to get my audition done and over with. If I was going to make a fool out of myself in front of all of these peers of mine, I wanted to hurry up and do it. Not rot beforehand because I didn’t know how to handle myself and my nerves. My head was swimming; I wished that it would just… Shut up. More and more members of the Club were arriving, and none of them were Mr. Schuester. If I thought I could get away with it, I’d have gotten up and slipped out the back, but I knew Rachel wouldn’t let me do that. Or, I figured she wouldn’t, at the very least.

I glanced up at Brittany’s enthusiastic greeting, and offered a friendly but nervous smile. “I’m, uhm, Lorelai,” I responded softly, clearing my throat to try and gain composure. They were all going to write me off before I even had the chance to get up on stage if I didn’t pull myself together quickly enough. I shifted awkwardly before continuing, “It’s nice to meet you.” Any trace of a smile on face faded immediately after Santana snapped a greeting back at me. She already hated me. Great. My stomach dropped and I looked at Rachel with a bit of a pathetic look on my face, biting my lip uncomfortably. I wasn’t going to fit in, I just knew it. I didn’t respond back to Santana, figuring that would only be a recipe for disaster, and plus, Rachel had started to answer my question.

I opened my mouth then shut it in confusion. “What happened with Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury?” I asked curiously, cocking my head to the side. Not like I would know anything. Of course, she continued on quickly about being a natural born leader and I bit my lip, nodding. I would have felt more comfortable with Mr. Schuester there to cover things, really, because having an adult supervisor meant that they were less likely to ridicule me to my face. Sure, behind my back they would do it, but… I couldn’t take people being mean to me. I didn’t have the capacity to snap at anyone and so I’d just sit back and take it, no matter how sensitive I really was.

It was almost as though they were trying to mock me. Noah Puckerman strolled in next, and I sank down in my seat, feeling nervous again. I murmured a soft, “nice to meet you, too” in Quinn’s direction before folding my hands over my stomach, lowering my gaze. In a voice quiet enough for only Rachel to overhear, I whispered, “I don’t think I can do this.”

words 502
credits this was made by brooke !

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[noah puckerman]

i looked around for a moment, waiting for berry to say hello. i knew she would. i didn't think she hated me or at least, i hoped she didn't. not after i'd threatened people and stuck up for her. though i guess me calling her 'first love', jesse st. douche, horrid names made her dislike me a little bit. i didn't get how she could still like him after what he'd done to her. not just the breaking of her heart but the breaking of eggs on her face, as well. sure, it wasn't just him but i was pretty sure he'd been the one who'd suggested it. i rubbed the back of my neck again, a habit which wasn't the best one. it made a lot of the first years think i was about to whack them around the face. it was kind of funny, though. i liked being feared. i didn't want everyone to know i had a soft side. quinn and rachel were enough.

i looked towards quinn, not missing her smile. i smiled back, shaking my head slightly and then looking back down at rachel when she spoke to me. i raised my eyebrows at her words and then shrugged when she said she hadn't seen me in class. "yeah.. car broke down. i had to run here." i told her. "i was a little late.." little was an understatement. i'd already missed a few lessons and i hadn't even got any lunch. oh well, i could go without. i cleared my throat and then sighed. "things are good." i mumbled. "getting by.." i told her with a small smile. "how about you?" i asked her quietly. as i waited for her to answer, i looked around again for mr schuester and then laughed when rachel confirmed that he wasn't actually here. i sighed lightly. "maybe he's with miss p?" i smirked lightly. we all knew him and miss p had something going on. they didn't make it private at all. miss p's room wasn't the most darkened. it was easy to see into. i shrugged when she said well done. "hey, i can be nice!" i laughed and then rolled my eyes, looking at her hand and then towards quinn.

i watched quinn walk towards me, grinning at her lightly. i put my arms around her as soon as she was close enough. "quinnyyy." i smiled, squeezing her tightly but gently and then letting her go. i smiled and then kissed her head softly. "hello." i said. "how're you today?" i asked her softly. i blinked when i heard lorelai's voice and then smiled. "hey, lorelai." i waved slightly. "don't worry, it'll be fine!" i assured her, finding quinn's hand and squeezing it gently.

[rachel berry]

people change and promises are broken
clouds can move and skies will be wide open

[/size][/center][/color][/i]

After the polite replies from both Quinn and Lore, I smiled that smug smile of mine once more. I could be horribly cocky at times, usually because I had been chosen for a solo or just because I was sitting in glee club and realising I finally had a place where I was better than everyone. But this time, it was because I had introduced Lorelai to Quinn and a few more people whom she would never have had the confidence to talk to outside of this scenario. I caught Quinn's ecstatic smile when she saw Noah and I suddenly realised that she liked him, a lot. I thought that had faded after he had dated Mercedes and made Santana jealous, but obviously it had been rekindled. I was happy for her, because she didn't have Finn any more and she deserved to be cared for by a guy. When Lorelai asked me what was happening between Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury I looked at her and raised my eyebrows a little. I wasn't one hundred percent sure they were dating, but I'd seen them kiss and I'd observed the way they looked at each other. Plus, everyone knew they had been dating before Mr Schuester had some sort of fling with April Rhodes and made out with Ms Corcoran. Wait, ew. Mr Schue had made out with my mom? Well, I had had a crush on him, so obviously our taste in guys was hereditary, but still. Despite wanting nothing to do with me, he had shared some steamy, sexual, erotic moment with my mother like he was still in high school. Teachers and parents weren't meant to have romance in their lives, especially not with each other, because of the awkwardness it caused. I focused on Lorelai again and answered her. "I'm pretty sure they're in love, but not official. I saw them kiss after Regionals and it looked pretty romantic. I guess life's alright for some." I said, suddenly turning more moody than I had intended to be.

Noah spoke again and I looked up at him, rolling my eyes when he had said he was a little late. I didn't know how he got out of all the sticky situations he got landed in if he was that bad at lying. But I smiled supportively when he said he was getting by. Over the year I had come to see the more emotional side of him rather than the iron strong front he put on to everyone in the school. I had watched him pine after Quinn and grow to love his baby, even when she hadn't been born yet. When he asked how I was, I averted my eyes, looking around and trying to find a good answer as if it would materialise in front of me. "I've been fine. Caught up with some.. friends from Carmel. The school must have a new maturity policy because I haven't been harassed yet." I looked back at him and smiled, nodding slightly. He didn't have to know that one of my 'friends' was Jesse, no one did. Jesse was my secret, my dirty little one to quote the All-American Rejects, and he was going to stay that way. Only Seth knew, and he didn't know anyone else from this school so I was safe in the knowledge no one would find out. I grinned when he said he could be nice and had the sudden urge to hug him, but before I could he had turn and swept Quinn into his arms. At least it wasn't Finn hugging her. I was possessive over him, even if I hadn't spoke to him for a long time and wasn't sure where he was or how he really felt about me. I smoothed the creases in my blouse and then in my skirt, shaking my head a little to make my hair fall around my face, just in case he decided to show up at the last minute. Then Lorelai spoke, very quietly, and I frowned, reaching over to squeeze her hand gently. "You will be fine, Lore. Mr Schuester loves everyone, even though he likes to suppress my talent occasionally. Just be confident. You're a better singer than some of the people already here, I'm sure of it." I whispered the last sentence so no one else could hear it. The last thing I needed was people to fall out with me when they were my only allies in the school.

TAGGED ! [/color]everyone
MUSIC ! something bad - wicked cast
WORDS ! 750 w/o code
OUTFIT ! clickity
CREDIT ! MEELA! on CAUTION 2.0![/font][/size]

[santana lopez]

YOU'RE A HOT MESS AND I'M FALLING FOR YOU

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and I'm like, "hot damn lemme make you my boo"[/font]
______________________________[/center]

The cheerfulness of the situation was nauseating. And she rolled her eyes when Puck walked into the room and started making talk with Rachel. How could he, of all people, talk to someone like her? Before he would have thrown a slushy in her face, not talk to her like they were friends. Santana smirked a little, eying Puck out of the corner of her eye. Yeah, like Puck would hit that thing twice. Letting go of Brittany's hand, Santana crossed her arms tightly across her chest, obviously irked at the crowd that seemed to grow in the room. She wasn't normally this cold -well, okay, she was, but not towards Brittany, usually never towards her. But today just seemed to brush her the wrong way, or more like push her the wrong way. Maybe she was just getting her period, but then again, that would be unhelpful considering she took her normal dose of birth control that morning.

She ended up rolling her eyes again when Puck noticed Quinn. It wasn't like she was jealous or anything, Santana didn't get jealous, over anyone, especially Quinn. The blonde just got the hot football player even when she was with Finn, got knocked up by said football player and got pregnant, then they bonded over the kid like it was actually a big thing. Puh-lease. And when he kissed her forehead, she snorted, standing up from leaning against the stage. So totally not jealous.

"Well, if Mr. Shue doesn't get here soon, I don't see much of a point to keep waiting," she said without much thought and examined her nails. "I mean, it's clear if he's off fooling around with that bug-eyed freak, he doesn't really care about Glee club much."

_______________________________________

status; complete.
character; santana lopez.
music; none.
words;
notes the best i can come up with at the moment.

[quinnfabray]

Puck had been acting different lately. He’d been… better. That was the only way I could think to describe it. He was nicer to me than he’d ever been before. He was sweet and even polite sometimes. He acted like I mattered more than other people, which he never used to do and when we were in public he made it clear that I was number one in his eye. It was an amazing twist of events. Sure, I’d caught his eye wandering a few times but he made it clear that he was working on it and I appreciated the effort. And it made me feel good about myself, the self esteem boost was a nice change of pace from the crappy way I’d been feeling lately. It was nice to feel like I mattered, like I was a genuine, active part in his life and whether or not Beth was ever in our custody he would always be the father of my child; we were bonded for life and lately I’d come to be more than okay with that.

Feelings his arms wrap around me only made my smile grow. I always felt safest with his strong arms around me; I felt protected, like the rest of the world couldn’t get me while I was in the little bubble he provided. When Puck pulled away I immediately felt cold and somewhat emptier than before. He made it better by kissing my head and smiling, asking me how my day was and looking at me like I was the only person in existence. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat like a princess. The distance between us, however, I was not okay with. Feeling his hand slip in to mine inspired me to surprise him with a quick peck on the lips. I’d never been big on the whole PDA thing, especially since I’d gotten pregnant, but I’d missed him and didn’t care who knew it. I wasn’t really sure if we were a couple yet- we’d never made it official or anything like that- but due to recent events I felt confident in my actions in front of the glee club. “Hi babe.” I said softly. “I’m okay. Kinda missed you though.” Hearing him mention that he’d arrived late (which was obvious to me since I almost always saw him before lunch) I motioned to the rest of my uneaten brown bag lunch. “You hungry? I’ll share.” I offered.

Santana was in a bad mood, I could tell this. I had no doubt that she was jealous of me and Puck, not because she was in love with him or anything but because I knew Santana and she always wanted what she didn’t or couldn’t have for the simple reason that she didn’t want anyone else to have it. But I was familiar with her attitude after all the years of being best friends so I glanced at her. “San, give him a few more minutes. He might be dealing with Coach Sylvester or something.” The rivalry between the two coaches was no secret, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Schue really was with Ms. Pillsbury. But he’d been there for us so much in the past we owed him at least this much. Then, hoping to distract her, I added, “Hey, have you been named Cheerios captain yet?” Santana never turned down an opportunity to talk, let alone brag or gloat, about herself.

TAGGED . everybody! WORDS . six two seven OUTFIT ta-da!!
LYRICS . the silence - mayday parade. NOTES . xx
CREDIT . JURATE at CAUTION.

[william schuester]

we both lie silently still

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IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT
we both lie close together[/SIZE][/color][/font]
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •[/color][/center]

Damn, I was running late. Why? First day of school hysteria? Panic? Confusion? My morning with Mimi Riter seemed weeks ago compared to today, and now the auditions for New Directions were being held. Or at least, they were supposed to be. I wasn't there, and if I had to make a bet on my life, it would be that Rachel had already started the auditions. She'd always felt like she was in charge, which usually irritated me, but hopefully she hadn't gone overboard this time.

Remembering Figgins' Law (a little nickname I gave practically everything that came out of that man's mouth), I would unfortunately have to have the older Glee Club members audition all over again. "We have to treat the arts like sports, Schue!"

[/i] Yeah, okay, whatever. The guy didn't know the first thing about the arts or sports, but naturally, the subject had been brought up by Sue Sylvester herself. So would she stand in the back and ridicule the auditioning students? I don't know. Hopefully, she didn't know we were holding auditions today.

I made my entrance into the auditorium, pleased to see some old Glee members, and some newer faces. "Sorry I'm late guys!"[/color] I said numbly. "It's been a long first day back. How is everyone?"[/color] What I was worried about was that some of the older members hadn't shown up. Did they not realize that they might not be allowed back in?

Not a problem, I reassured myself. The Cheerios were able to hold auditions throughout the year, after an encounter with Figgins, and last year, April Rhodes was allowed admission in the first quarter of the year, well after official auditions. Hopefully though, we'd make the count for this year's Sectionals, and have more guys. Guys who could sing in an alto or bass tone, no offense to Kurt. "So,"[/color] I said bluntly and directly, setting my notebook and pen down on the desk in the middle of the audience seating, resting my case against the legs of my chair, "let's get started! Who wants to go first?"[/color]

[/blockquote][/SIZE]

we feel miles apart inside

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WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID OR SOMETHING I DID
did my words not come out right[/SIZE][/color][/font][/center]
words. 344
song. every rose has its thorn, poison
with. rachel berry, quinn fabray, santana lopez, noah puckerman, lorelai anchors, aidan jennings, brittany morris
notes. sorry this is so late guys D: this post is crap
code. normal thought speech[/color] quote[/i][/SIZE]

[rachel berry]

people change and promises are broken
clouds can move and skies will be wide open

[/size][/center][/color][/i]

I rolled my eyes slightly at Santana and went to find a seat away from the rest of the people. It was only a few down, but it made me feel less claustrophobic. Not that I was scared of small places, it just gave me a little more room to think. What was it going to take to get all of these people motivated again? Only five of us had turned up to welcome the new members! I was shocked that Kurt wasn't here with Mercedes, it wasn't like they had any other commitments. Neither of them had boyfriends, or clubs besides glee. Artie and Tina should have been here too, but they were probably off making out with each other. But the person I was most disappointed in was Finn. I really believed he wanted to make this relationship work (even if I wasn't so sure), and he hadn't even turned up at our first gathering of the term! It was incredibly disheartening. I needed to get the spirit back into the team and it was obvious Mr Schue wasn't going to do that. He hadn't even turned up yet, useless thing. I could feel the fury and anticipation bubbling up inside of me and I dug my nails into my palms to take my mind off of it. I should get Jesse to come back, at least we'd have a dedicated male lead then. The only guy who had turned up today was Noah and he was always too busy having sex or feeling up his own arms. But I had a feeling that if I suggested the return of one Mr St. James, it wouldn't go down too well. Still, I kept it at the back of my mind.

When Quinn asked Santana if she was head cheerleader I raised my eyebrows slightly. Part of me presumed that now she had given birth, Quinn would want her spot back on the squad. "Does that mean you're giving all your time to glee now, Quinn? No more cheerleading? I mean, now you're not pregnant any more I bet Miss Sylvester is itching to give you back the spot that Santana kept warm for you." I pointed out, looking across at Santana and hoping she hadn't taken too much offence to the comment that she had only been keeping Quinn's space warm for her. "Not that I don't want you to stay, of course." I told her with a smile. It was the truth, of course, I was hardly ever dishonest. After spending the whole summer with only Quinn and Noah to hang out with, they felt like my only allies at times (and at times I wondered if the only reason Noah was nice to me was because he wanted to get into my pants). I was about to say something else regarding the cheerleading situation when the auditorium doors opened. When I saw who it was I leapt straight to my feet, my hands resting on my hips and my eyebrows arching upwards. He had finally decided to show up then? When he asked how I was I just shrugged, still taking a blatant offence to his lateness. But now he was here, things could get under-way. Not before I had said something, though. I had a lot of things to say. "Hello Mr Schue. As you can see not everyone is here, but I'm guessing that's because they didn't realise they had to come. I mean, you're not going to make us all audition again are you?" I scoffed lightly at the suggestion and then looked round the faces of my peers. They seriously needed some encouragement, and me being the only present captain, found it my responsibility to be the one to give it them.

When Mr Schuester asked who should go first I looked around at the people standing in the auditorium. We only had two new prospects, and one had yet to say a word, and the other, bless her heart, was as nervous as a mouse that had been cornered by a lion. "Mr Schue, if you'd let me I'd like to suggest some ways we can get back the spirit we had last year." I said to him, making sure my voice as loud enough to project across the auditorium, just in case Finn was hiding on the back row waiting for some encouragement from his gorgeous girlfriend to come forwards and join us. Without waiting for Mr Schuester to respond, I carried on. "I, unlike others in this club, believe we have what it takes to beat Vocal Adrenaline this time around. But if you've forgotten how spectacular we are, after the new members have auditioned we could practice one of our best group performances. For old times sake. Somebody to Love? Don't Stop Believin'? Like a Prayer?" The song names rolled off my tongue as I said them. I waited for an enthusiastic response but, sick of waiting, I began to formulate another idea. An idea that would get us the Regionals, and no doubt, the Nationals title. An idea that would, conveniently, also fix my love life. We could steal Jesse from Vocal Adrenaline. If he had the opportunity to come back into my loving arms and get the male lead then maybe he would take it. Although, there was the possibility that he would leave us like last time. Leave me. Without another word, I sat back down, this time in between Quinn and Lorelai once more.

Mr Schue didn't seem so tempted by my ideas. In fact, when I looked back over at him he was rolling his eyes. It wasn't my fault I had more motivational ideas than he did. It also wasn't my fault that he had turned up late to the auditions. I felt like saying something but he spoke first "They're good ideas Rachel, but I'd like to see the auditions first." he said, looking from Aidan to Lorelai. I wasn't sure if Aidan wanted to audition any more, he hadn't spoken or shown any will to try out. I cast a glance at Lorelai and raised my eyebrows, looking from my nervous friend to Mr Schue, then back to Lore. "Go on Lorelai, I'm sure you'll be great." I told her with my best, sweetest 'you can trust me on this one' smile. I was good at persuading people to do things, and it wasn't like it was worth waiting any longer for Finn to come. He'd made his priorities quite clear.

TAGGED ! [/color]everyone
MUSIC ! no air - glee cast
WORDS ! 1088 w/o code
OUTFIT ! clickity
CREDIT ! MEELA! on CAUTION 2.0![/font][/size]

[lorelai anchors]

TELL ME THAT YOU'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT
&& Y O U R B I R D C A N S I N G
BUT YOU DON'T GET ME, YOU DON'T GET ME

I was just entirely unsettled by this entire situation. I was trapped and I wanted to throw up or pass out or whatever it would take to get me out of that auditorium. Mr. Schuester was taking an agonizingly long time getting to the auditions, and the longer he took the longer I was left simmering in my own thoughts and fears that were just going to make this entire thing harder. If he took any longer, there was a chance that even MORE New Directions members would show up, and then I’d be even more afraid. This was bad enough. But there were more football players that could make fun of me. More people who could ridicule me. This was bad enough, but if I waited for more people, then… Oh God. This was getting harder by the second.

I heard my name and I glanced up uneasily. Puck. Oh man, he could probably smell the fear on me. It startled me, though, when I noticed that he was acting relatively friendly. It then registered to me that he was trying to encourage me a little bit, and I forced a small smile. It put me at ease, just barely, for a few seconds, but it came crashing back down around me soon after. “H-hey Puck,”

[/color] I murmured in response, returning his small wave, “I-I guess.”[/color] But I wasn’t convinced. I was going to do terribly. I caught Rachel’s raised eyebrow at my question about Mr. Schuester and Miss Pillsbury, and I felt rather ashamed at my ignorance, frowning and lowering my gaze slightly. I wasn’t really around for most of the past school year and I never paid attention to teachers. I was always too afraid of getting thrown in a dumpster or something. It was a pretty irrational fear, but one nevertheless. I was so stupid. I should have noticed. By the sound of it, it was obvious. I mean, if they knew so much information, then… Why was I so ignorant? Bloody hell. I nodded ever so slightly as she finally answered me, still feeling dumb about my lack of knowledge, then felt a pang of sympathy when she added the last bit. She was still hurting from that Jesse ordeal. Poor thing. Slowly, I reached over to give her hand a gentle squeeze, reassuringly, though I was sure that wouldn’t do much.

Not long after my hand left hers did I feel hers cover mine, and I frowned up at her sheepishly. “What if I’m not?” I whispered, biting my lip harshly (I was sure it would bleed soon), “I’m scared.” Just then, Mr. Schuester walked right into the auditorium and, automatically, my nerves hit an all time high. This was it. He was going to make me get up on stage (with some persistent assistance from Rachel, I was sure) and sing and they were all going to hate it. I winced; everyone’s voice became distant as my attention flitted up to the piano on stage, the microphone perched not too far away from it. I’d have to stay upright long enough to get up there and adjust the microphone to where I could be heard while playing the piano. It needed to be close because I was sure my voice would be quiet, at least at first.

I didn’t really register the back and forth between Rachel and Mr. Schuester at first. I knew Rachel, and my guess was that she was going on about something regarding the club and practicing and something that I didn’t even have to worry about unless I got into the club. I probably wouldn’t be paying attention until I was directly addressed, anyways. I was too focused on all of my fears, my doubts. This was precisely my problem in life, and I knew that. I’d grow up to be this person who was afraid of her own shadow, who would never live. I’d listened to stories over the years of people with a terminal illness who actually lived their life. They got up and did extreme things and had fun and didn’t hold back because they knew their time was ticking and they wanted to make the most of it. That wasn’t going to be me. I was going to be the girl who sat around regretting. I was the one who hated myself, hated my actions and nothing anyone could ever do or say would change that. What happened was not alright. That was all my fault, my death, my life. I had over just ten more years to live and I would spend that alone (probably), listing every action ever made since I was fifteen and reliving them over and over. This wasn’t going to get any better. I was going to just sit and regret my life away, and I wasn’t making any effort to change that. How could I? It was all I deserved.

I heard my name -- the voice was to distant and therefore unrecognizable -- and I was pulled from my thoughts. I realized I was being beckoned onto the stage to audition (and first, at that!) and my trembling grew more severe. I shakily rose to my feet and shot an uneasy, hesitant look at Rachel, as though I was hoping that she’d tell me not to go up. Maybe she’d change her mind, decide she wouldn’t want me in the group and tell me not to audition. Tell me it was okay that I was too scared. But she didn’t, of course. I hoped she would, but I knew she wouldn’t, so I slowly made my way onto the stage, my gaze sweeping the audience. There wasn’t a copious amount of people. Mr. Schuester, Rachel, Quinn, Puck, Brittany, Santana. All of them were watching, waiting for me to do something other than stand there stupidly and stare right back. How would I do when the entire audience was filled? When every seat had an eager body in it? Would I do just as bad? I mean, right now, this would be the first time I would sing in front of someone else since I was in elementary school. I would be singing a solo and I hadn’t gotten a bloody word of encouragement because I had never stepped out of my comfort zone like this before. I should have thought ahead. But how could I have? More regrets. I doubted Mr. Schuester would dare to give me a solo later on if I did happen to make it into the club. I wouldn’t be in the spotlight and I’d have more people up on stage to carry the weight of the performance so it might not be so bad. But this was all me. I had to do it.

Right, I needed to slate.

I stepped up to the microphone and looked uncomfortably out at everyone, before my attention returned to Mr. Schuester. “I-I’m L-l-lorelai…”[/color] I paused and took a deep breath, tugging absentmindedly on the hem of my dress. Something to calm my nerves. Anything. “Lorelai Anchors, and I’ll, uhm, be s-singing ‘Fidelity’ by R-regina Spektor.”[/color] I visibly winced; I had just changed song plans at the last minute. It was like I wanted to make this worse for myself than it absolutely had to be. This was it. The was the precise time I needed to get settled and dive right in. I didn’t dive. I didn’t like doing things I wasn’t comfortable with. The last time I did something without being sure about it was when I got HIV. Bad things happened when I was spontaneous and took risks, so why was I to think that anything good was about to come out of this?

But I proceeded anyways. I readjusted the microphone stand so it was lower to the ground and pulled it over to the piano, silently hoping that I wasn’t about to get yelled at for accompanying myself with the instrument. I smoothed out my dress as I settled down on the bench, shooting one last look out at Rachel for confidence. I took a second and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to try and ready myself further. I wished I had chosen a song with an instrumental opening. Something that would help ease me into it, get me used to the music before I began. The song normally had other instruments in it, so in my practice, I learned to just focus on the piano melody. My fingers pressed down on the first few chords, and soon, vocals commenced.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds.

My voice was soft, at first, just loud enough to be picked up by the microphone beside me. I was focused, mostly, on the piano, because I was confident with that. I had taken years of lessons and knew I was good. I had practiced these songs until my fingers were numb.

I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind
All these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

As the original singer happened to do, I carried my voice out on the word ‘heart’, emphasizing different syllables and drawing out the vowels. Somewhere in there, my voice grew louder, more confident. I knew that I had to sing out if I wanted a chance at this. Even if Rachel had been the one to rope me into auditioning, a strong part of me hoped I got in. Hoped I didn’t suck. Hoped I was actually a good singer and I’d fit in and have somewhere to belong, something to do for my final year of High School.

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet, and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall[/I]

And, finally, I got lost in the music. I forgot that there were people watching me. This always seemed to happen. The lyrics carried me and the piano melody was beautiful, enough to sweep me up in its grasp. Within those verses, emotion spilled into my voice and I grew even louder, obvious confidence now lacing my voice. Somewhere in there, a gentle smile found its way to my lips and I was much more at ease. Ignorance was bliss.

All my friends say
That of course it’s gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better, better, better, better
Better, better better

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds

I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind
All these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart.[/I]

The end of the song was rather repetitive, but I liked it. I always thought that it gave Regina Spektor’s songs that creative element, something that was hers. Repetitive phrases, drawn out words, the piano. I loved the piano.

As my fingers hit the last chord, reality came crashing down around me. That smile on my face faded quickly and the nerves rushed back full force. It was a merciless punch in the gut and all I wanted to do was run out of the auditorium as quickly as I could manage and throw up. I would have done that, too, had I thought I could move. My hands gripped the edge of the piano bench, skin stretching pale white over the knuckles and my breathing was shallow. I could feel and hear my heart beating rapidly as the fear settled in. Why had I let myself do that? What if I was terrible? I couldn’t even bring myself to look out. When I tasted a faint hint of metallic, I realized I’d bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I had started to bleed. This caused me to unclench my fists and I took a deep breath, slowly standing.

I frowned and cleared my throat, finding my footing enough to quickly rush off the stage. I should have left, but my knees were shaking and I landed quickly in the chair next to Rachel, refusing to look at her, at anybody. I couldn’t believe I’d just done that.

words 2248 with lyrics, 1958 without.
notes shit, guys. this was so long and rambly and bad and I apologize.
credits this was made by brooke !

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