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Post by Jesse St. James on Jul 29, 2010 14:17:07 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away."
The stage was dark, empty. It was odd to Jesse that a place that had once brought him so much happiness and hope, so much love and laughter, so much friendship was now so cold, so vacant; like all the happiness had been sucked away from it. It described exactly how he felt- cold and empty. He had been so stupid. He had made such an awful choice: not only had he left Rachel but he'd left the only place that ever felt like home, the only people who ever felt like family, like friends.
A house is not a home, when there's no one there.
He came to this stage sometimes, after everyone was gone. He would walk the hallways he used to know, feeling somewhat like a ghost. This stage used to be the one place he could go and everything suddenly would come into focus, everything would feel right. No matter the chaos in his life, when he stepped into this theatre, all felt alright. Everything was going to be alright.
He missed that feeling. He didn't know it anymore. He left his friends and the girl he loved. Regret and guilt were his new friends and loneliness was his lover. He didn't have friends at Caramel High- just peers and fans. He hung out with no one, shared his life with no one. And no one seemed to care: they enjoyed seeing him through their own glasses, knowing him at a distance.
He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes and began to dream of a life back with New Directions. It wouldn't necessarily be a life on the fast track of stardom, but maybe he'd be happy again. Maybe he could live with it, for now.
But they'd never accept him back.
And who could blame them? He'd been so cruel to Rachel. He'd screwed up. He never should've done some of those awful things. Rachel, his Rachel, was a treasure. A star. She deserved to be treated like one. She was brilliant and talented and going places.
In the deepest part of his heart, he knew he'd be alright with watching her become a star and forfeiting his own dream, if it just meant being with her.
A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.
Tag: Emma
Words:375
Song: I Dreamed a Dream- Glee Cast
Notes:
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Post by emma pillsbury on Jul 29, 2010 16:43:19 GMT -5
 AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST[/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] I hadn’t spoken to Will since the incident in his classroom; how could I? I was a terrible person and was absolutely ashamed, not to mention I didn’t know if I could even stand being around him. I’d feel like a slut (again) if I were spending the day pining after him and going out to expensive dinners with Carl at night. It wasn’t fair to either party and, more importantly, it wasn’t fair to myself. I needed to start regarding feelings other than my own in decisions like this, but I couldn’t help it. Will had hurt me and I needed to figure out what was best for myself before I decided what was best for everyone else. I wasn’t stringing Will along, that was for sure, and… I genuinely liked Carl. So at least I wasn’t doing to him what I did to Ken. But I still loved Will, and I was at a complete loss of what to do.
I mean, what was I supposed to do? I guess if I knew what I was supposed to do, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. But I had no one to talk to, no one to go to for advice. Will had always been the guy I’d talk to if I needed to, even if most of the time I was listening to his problems. I didn’t have a lot of friends and a lot of that was my own personal choice. I didn’t like to think about what might happen if I started ‘hanging out’ with people, but at times like these having a friend would be useful. Someone to tell me what they thought I should do. Who I should be with.
Carl, who I could learn to love, who provided me with comfort and stability, or Will, who I already loved, on my own accord, who was simply… Amazing. But not perfect, as I’d once thought. And what would happen once I inevitably found out Carl’s flaws?
I needed to feel Will. The desire was burning within me, and yet I couldn’t very well go and see him. So, on a whim, I made my way to the auditorium, figuring that the stage had a good part of him. It was better than nothing. I knew that it would be empty because the majority of the students who were not practicing for something had already gone home and the Glee Club was holding rehearsal in the choir room today, meaning there was no risk that I’d have to run into their director. I entered through the back stage door, setting my bag on top of a stool they’d used as a prop during ‘True Colors’ the year before. I flipped on the house lights with my elbow, followed by the stage lights, and made my way out from behind the curtain.
Clearing my throat, I listened as the clicking of my Mary Janes filled the auditorium. It was eerie, being the only person in there (as far as I knew) and yet I could see the appeal Will found in the whole experience. I never did do too terribly well in front of people, but I felt powerful as I envisioned all of the seats filled. He’d performed up here countless times, and I felt closer to him; I didn’t want to leave. I could even feel myself beginning to choke up as I paused center stage, and with a sharp intake of breath I rose a hand, the tips of my fingers settling on my lips.
I was just about to let loose, just about to let out so many pent up emotions when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure sitting in the first row. Jumping, I recoiled; how long had they been sitting there? I hadn’t heard them come in. Had they been there they entire time? “Oh,” I squeaked out in surprise, clearing my throat in order to get a grasp on the situation, “I’m, uhm, sorry, I didn’t --” Pausing, I looked closer until I recognized the boy.
“Jesse St. James?”
The name came out in more of a surprised tone than I originally intended. I’d talked to him to schedule his classes and to get him officially enrolled in McKinley, and then again when he transferred back a mere couple of weeks prior to Regionals. I was sure that left W -- the club in quite a terrible situation. I’d also heard of the egging of Rachel Berry in the teacher’s lounge, and heard he was involved. “I, uhm. Didn’t you… Transfer back to Carmel? I don’t remember seeing your transcript. Just wondering, of course.”
[/blockquote][/blockquote] TAGGED: jesse st. james.
WORD COUNT: 781
NOTES: bah dum.
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Jul 30, 2010 22:45:55 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
The stage lights flicked on. The empty stage was filled with harsh light. He wondered briefly if that meant the stage was no longer empty. But no. It was still vacant. It was just being viewed. It's emptiness was being harshly inspected by someone who didn't understand. He chuckled, a little bitterly- how ironic. That was exactly how he felt.
But suddenly, a woman walked onto the stage. He froze. He wasn't supposed to be here, really. It wasn't illegal. But, still, it would be best for him not to be found. He couldn't move, however, because the woman would most certainly catch him. So, he sat there, frozen.
That's when he recognized her: it was Ms. Pillsbury, the school psychologist.
He'd always liked Miss Emma. She was eccentric and her habits were rather odd, but he liked her. She was sweet and genuine. He had heard about some of the things that had gone down between her and Will. He found it tragic. Here were two good people who deserved to be together, but things kept getting in the way.
He genuinely wanted things to work out for her.
As he watched, he noticed that she seemed very distressed. As though something was going to burst out of her, some horrible thing that she needed to let out. Her hand rose to her lips, as though she was thinking some horrible thoughts and were shocked by them.
Just as she opened her mouth to let loose, she stopped and met eyes with him. "Oh," she murmured. She cleared her throat and continued. "I'm sorry, I didn't-" She stopped and peered through the harsh lighting to see who it was.
"Jesse St. James?"
She sounded very surprised. But, who could blame her? He wasn't supposed to be here. Would she report him? She was a good person with plenty of conscience. It was practically her duty to report him. Maybe he could convince her that he'd never come back and perhaps she'd let it slide.
“I, uhm. Didn’t you… Transfer back to Carmel? I don’t remember seeing your transcript. Just wondering, of course.”
He stood up awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Should he join her on the stage or stay where he was? "Yes. I...I did. I just came back here for old time's sake. I hope you don't mind. Please don't report me. I didn't mean any harm," he assured, trying to act as calm as possible.
"I just come here to think," He said honestly. "It gives me peace. It helps me to get things in perspective."
Tag: Emma
Words:430
Song: Shining- Kristian Leontiou
Notes: |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Jul 30, 2010 23:28:08 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] The response I received from Jesse hadn’t been the one I’d expected. He was always so confident; I was sure he’d stand up and give me some arrogant response about being fully allowed to do what he was doing. Instead, he sounded uneasy, as though I’d go off and find someone to escort him off the premises, or lecture him until his ears ached. I would do neither, of course, because there seemed to be no need. He wasn’t carrying eggs or spray paint or anything that might be deemed threatening. No, he was simply sitting there, in the dark auditorium. Sitting never did any harm to anyone, of course, despite the fact that I had absolutely no idea what he was doing there.
He continued to speak, and I kept my eyes on him, nodding slowly. A soft, almost bitter chuckle escaped my lips as he concluded with the statement about coming here to think. Apparently the auditorium was a good place for that. It harbored a lot of feelings, both positive and negative, for so many people. Still, I had to wonder why he hadn’t used his own school’s auditorium, where he’d no doubt spent even more time and had even more memories. Why had he made the effort to drive all the way out to William McKinley? It wasn’t as though Lima and Akron were neighbors; on the contrary, I was sure he needed our auditorium for a reason.
But why? From what I’d gathered, he’d only been using Rachel, and therefore he never seriously had a place here. He simply went in, did what he had to do and transferred back to rejoin Vocal Adrenaline; I didn’t understand. But I figured I’d do some investigating to figure it out. I was one damn good guidance counselor, after all.
“Oh, Jesse, don’t worry,” I began, putting on my best attempt at a polite smile as I held up my hand. “It’s after school and you’re merely sitting in our auditorium. There’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, there’s no harm in sitting and thinking, provided that’s all you’re doing. So there’s nothing to report, you’re fully allowed to do that. Now, granted, I wouldn’t expect that you’d want any of the students here to see you, because they might not take too kindly to you being here, but you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong.”
With a gentle sigh, I took one last look around the stage before starting to descend the stairs until I was closer to the auditorium seats. “Plus, you’re not the only one who finds this room a nice place to think. Though, I had a motive for why I chose the auditorium, and I suppose you did too. I mean, Lima sure seems a bit out of your way.” Clearing my throat, I clasped my hands in front of me and softened my smile ever so slightly. “Is there anything you’d like to discuss? You know, while I’m here.”
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 495
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Aug 4, 2010 0:19:34 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
She held a hand up. “Oh, Jesse, don’t worry. It’s after school and you’re merely sitting in our auditorium. There’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, there’s no harm in sitting and thinking, provided that’s all you’re doing. So there’s nothing to report, you’re fully allowed to do that. Now, granted, I wouldn’t expect that you’d want any of the students here to see you, because they might not take too kindly to you being here, but you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong.”
He nodded in relief. "Thank you. I just...ever since I left... most people wouldn't understand..." he stumbled with the words coming out of his mouth as he traced the line of chairs in front of him with his eyes. He met her eyes in earnest. "This place is the only place I ever feel at home."
He nodded. "Yes. It is out of the way. But, it's a small price to pay. I really do love this place." He said, a sad smile on his face.
Standing, he left his seat and met her half way. "Really? Could I? I really do need to talk. These last few weeks have just been very lonely," He told her.
He motioned for her to have a seat and then he followed her, sitting down next to her. He sighed, preparing to tell her the truth. He wondered if this was really a smart idea. His glee teammates would hate him for spilling his guts to the rival school's psychologist.
"Can I be honest with you?" He asked, meeting her gaze with a strong gaze of his own.
"I regret my decision to leave McKinley. I made so many mistakes. This place..." he sighed, looking around the theatre. "This place is my home. Or at least. The only place I ever felt at home. I caught a glimpse of a life with friends, with family. With love." He met her eyes and he knew they both understood what he meant. "With Rachel."
Tag: Emma
Words:330
Song: Shining- Kristian Leontiou
Notes: |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Aug 4, 2010 13:05:42 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] As I looked at Jesse St. James, who was seated before me, looking quite genuine, I realized that there was more to the boy than everyone seemed to think. He had gained the reputation as a male Rachel Berry, only much more cruel. He was confident to the point of arrogance (or acted as such), focused on nothing but his future and seemed hell bent on breaking New Directions. But when I looked at him, now, seeing him so vulnerable, I began to wonder if that was just a factor of peer pressure. I had seen the best of kids fall to their classmates will, doing things they didn’t want to do for the sake of fitting in. That was certainly evident in William McKinley, and no doubt plenty of other schools were dealing with the exact same thing. He really seemed troubled, at least today, and I knew I’d need to help him through whatever it was. It was for this reason that I nodded when he asked if he could take up my offer for a chat, and sat down obligingly in the first row of auditorium chairs, doing my best to keep my skin from touching the back of it.
He began to speak and I nodded periodically, feeling nothing but sympathy for the boy beside me. I mean, he seemed to be a skilled liar, that much was for certain, but I didn’t know why he’d bother to lie to me. It wasn’t as though I was going to do anything but give him advice, and he never knew that he was going to run into me in this auditorium anyways. No, he was being truthful, for perhaps the first time since this entire fiasco. I could see it in his eyes.
I managed a small chuckle, bitter, as I glanced up at the stage. “Will certainly does know how to run a Glee Club,” I murmured incredulously, mostly to myself than anything, but I quickly shook my head. This was about a student. Not Will. I needed to stop tracing everything back to him.
I cleared my throat, folding my hands in my lap as I turned back to Jesse, putting on my best look of professionalism that I reserved for my students. “I can see what you mean,” I began, deciding that I’d start first by elaborating on his situation to show that I understood where he was coming from. I supposed it would sort of qualify my authority to give advice on the matter. “From what I’ve gathered, Vocal Adrenaline seems to be all about performing, rather than being united. They’re all sort of together, but they aren’t close. I’ve never met Ms. Corcoran, but she seems like she drills you guys pretty hard, doesn’t she?” I felt my stomach twist when I spoke her name -- the very woman who was one half of the reason I wasn’t with Will. I closed my eyes to get a grip, took a deep breath and continued. “But I know that’s not the case here. I mean, sure, everybody wants to win, but all of the Club seems to have emotional ties to other members. They all come to care about each other. Will, uhm. I-I know that his students, his Glee kids, are the most important people in his life. They all really helped him through his, uhm, divorce last year, which I assume you heard about, and he really loves all of them. He just wants to see them succeed.”
Talking about Will was painful. I was sure that showed in my facial expression, so I quickly moved back to Jesse. “Did you do everything because of peer pressure?” I asked, “The toilet papering of the choir room, egging Rachel, was that all because you felt forced by other Carmel High Students? Because from the way you’re talking right now, it certainly doesn’t seem like you wanted to do that. I know it’s hard, dealing with the pressures of your peers, but I think the first thing you need to do is learn where to draw the line. There’s a difference between, you know, uhm, making a promise that you’re back for good and doing something to hurt somebody else. Especially someone you seem to care about. Do you miss Rachel? Regret egging her and leading her on?” Biting my lip, I shifted slightly. “Was that your intentions from the beginning? Breaking her heart? And then you started to feel differently?”
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 766
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Aug 5, 2010 20:58:09 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
He nodded. "Yes. He does. His glee club has something Ms. Coccoran's doesn't. New Directions has heart. It's a family, a community. Vocal Adrenaline is nothing like that. It's so...forceful. So driven." He sighed, looking down at the stage but not truly looking, as though he was looking beyond it. "I never got a chance to thank Mr. Shuester for what he did for me. He showed me what Glee club is really supposed to be about."
He watched her as he talked. She still loved Will. That much was clear. But she seemed a little bitter. He knew that they had some problems. She was no doubt heartbroken. And who could blame her? Being in love with a man like Mr. Shuester could not be easy. He was a dreamer, an artist. He was a free spirit. There was nothing that could keep him grounded.
And that was the reason, he knew, that Will and Emma were no longer together. Ms. Coccoran had told them how she'd seduced Mr. Shuester.
He nodded, letting down his guard. He hadn't be able to talk to anyone about his newfound doubts about Vocal Adrenaline. "Exactly. Ms. Coccoran is driven and focused. She's a genius. But she's not about heart. Mr. Shue taught me about heart. How fame can only get you so far. It's the heart that counts. But...Vocal Adrenaline doesn't believe that. They don't even really like me," he admitted. "They only like me because I can help them win. That's all."
He sighed. It was coming up. He was going to admit the truth to her. "I don't really have friends. I have fans and I have peers. All my real friends were here, at McKinley. And now they all hate me. Because I made a bad choice."
She was so sad, he realized. He smiled sadly at her. "Yes. He really does. Does that hurt?" He asked cautiously. It was a dangerous question. But he felt as though he needed to be asked.
"Yes. I mean...it was because of a few things. It was because of peer pressure and because my spot in Vocal Adrenaline was in jeopardy if I didn't leave right away. And, of course, Ms. Coccoran pressured me too." He was increasingly glad that she seemed to understand. Maybe it wasn't so hard to believe after all. He had wondered if everyone would've scoffed and said that his reasons were not enough for doing the horrible things he had done. "But also... Vocal Adrenaline is supposed to be the thing that helps jump start my career. I left because I worried that I was giving up my dreams to be with Rachel. But...I was wrong."
Rachel. She was bringing up Rachel.
He took a breath and let out the storm that was waging war in his heart. "Yes. Yes. Thats exactly it. I love her. I love her. I left because I was scared. After my parents split, I thought love could never really truly work out in the end. So, what with all the pressure, I got scared. I left her because I wondered if it would be better in the end. Maybe we would never left."
"But I was wrong," he met her eyes. His gaze, fierce and intense. "I've never loved someone like I've loved her. She's the only person that I love enough to leave my future for. I regret everything that I've done. She didn't deserve that. I miss her. And I just wish I could tell her all this. That I'm sorry. That I love her. I wish I could be given a second chance. A chance to make up for what I've done."
"No. That was never the intent." He said, glad that he was able to tell the truth to someone. "At first, he was just a way to get into Mr. Shuester's head. I would come in and just be around Glee, do well, show Mr. Shuester what talent I had and scare him a little. Meanwhile, I was supposed to get to know Rachel and then find a way to slip her the tape. And that was it."
Tag: Emma
Words:692
Song: Shining- Kristian Leontiou
Notes: I love these two! :] See you after the weekend! |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Aug 6, 2010 21:59:05 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] I nodded as he confirmed my suspicions on the difference between the two glee clubs. Closing my eyes, I sighed. “I can imagine, yes.” Crossing my arms over my chest, I sat back, nodding. “I’m sure Mr. Schuester would appreciate a thank you, really. That could perhaps be your first step to fixing things. No one would expect you to come back here and attempt to make things right. As far as everyone’s concerned, the damage is done so you have no business at William McKinley. You needn’t make the effort, you know? But if you did, perhaps Mr. Schuester, at the very least, will know that you’ve recognized your wrongdoings. I think earning his trust back might… Might be the first step, you know? Those kids look up to him, and if he forgives you, then there’s a chance that the club will follow suit. That’s not to say that will fix everything, of course, especially when it comes to Rachel, but… It could be a good start.”
Frowning, I listened as he continued on about how Will taught the Glee Club about heart, and my arms tightened over my chest, as though it pained me to hear it. And really, it did. “Well, Will is right, really. You can win as many national titles as you can manage but that’s not going to mean a thing if you don’t have support from the ones you love along with it. New Directions certainly as its problems, you know, with all of the drama, but they’re all there for each other in the end. That’s very important.” At his confession, I dropped my hands to my lap and picked absentmindedly at one of my nails. I looked back up at him, offering him a small, comforting smile. “Everyone makes bad choices sometimes, Jesse. I know many of the club members know that. I wouldn’t say that all hope is lost for you, I really wouldn’t. It will take a lot of effort, that much is certain, and it will take time. But I think you need to focus on repairing your relationships with Rachel and Mr. Schuester, you know, make amends.”
The slight smile on my face faded completely when he asked if it ‘hurt’. “I, uhm, I… No, why w-would it… I don’t… How do you… I…” I sighed uncomfortably, looking down at my hands again. I knew that it wasn’t any sort of secret that my relationship with Will was not strictly professional. Our flirtation had certainly taken place most often in my office, where the glass windows made it quite visible to everyone. Neither of us had done much to hide our feelings for one another, and I was sure that some of the students had noticed our sudden lack of communication at the end of last year. Plus, Rachel had no doubt witnessed that kiss back in June, and I wasn’t sure if she’d heard his declaration of love as well or not. “More than anything,” I answered finally, weakly, but quickly shook my head. “This isn’t a conversation I should be having with a student, even if you don’t go here anymore.”
I seemed to lose footing after my own confession, but did my best to regain it. I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about my own problems. Jesse had asked me for help, and I needed to focus on that and that alone. “And I suppose your dreams didn’t seem so important once Rachel was out of your life? Am I right to assume that?” I wasn’t really sure how true love could get in High School, but I could definitely tell that Jesse had true feelings for her and was regretting throwing them away.
I gave him a sympathetic look when he expressed that he partially blamed his parents’ divorce for his lack of belief in love. “Divorce really does have quite the impact on kids, doesn’t it?” I frowned, keeping my eyes on him. “Jesse, you and Rachel are young. I know you don’t want to hear this, because I know that teenagers have that mindset that they’ll find their life partner so young in life, but that’s rarely the case. You don’t know what would happen in six months, in one year, in two. I’m not a believer that you should throw away your future for the sake of sticking around for someone, but at the same time, I don’t think that you should push people away for that reason alone. What I do believe is that if it’s meant to be in the end, then it will be.” Just as the words left my mouth, my heart sank. Maybe I was wrong to love Will. It didn’t seem possible that we could ever settle things long enough to be together.
“As I said before, don’t give up all hope, not yet. A bit of groveling to Rachel might do you some good, you never know. It’s worth a shot, at least. The worst that could happen is that she could refuse to forgive you, which will certainly be the case if you don’t try at all. You have nothing to lose, really.” I shrugged slightly, hoping I was being of help to him. I wasn’t really sure.
“So, then, peer pressure was the reason why you did everything else? I suppose you started to date Rachel merely to make getting close to her easier, yes, but along the way you developed real feelings for her? And then Vocal Adrenaline pushed you to egg her, yes?” I tried to get a grasp on understanding his actions in full. After all, it was certainly my job to get into his head, to analyze his actions and then try to help him realize how he could fix things. He already recognized what he did wrong, so that was a start. Made things easier on me.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 1017, damn.
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Aug 10, 2010 20:16:04 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
He nodded. He hadn't yet considered apologizing to Mr. Shue, but of course, he realized that he had always wanted to. This would be a small gesture and perhaps it would not fix much, but it was something. "You're right," he said. "I should at least try and make amends. Can you help me meet up with Mr. Shuester in private?" He asked.
His brow was lined with seriousness, focused on all her suggestions. "You're right. And I'm so willing to do whatever to at least make sure my apology is known. I know I can't do anything to get them to take me back, but I at least want to just make sure they know."
He looked at her, knowingly, almost as though he pitied her position. "He cheated on you, didn't he?" He asked, seemingly knowing. Simply because, he did know. He knew that Ms. Coccran had gloated about making out with Mr. Shuester. But he'd heard whispers about a few other small flings that Mr. Shue had embarked on recently.
She understood, he realized. Relief flooded through his chest; he wasn't going crazy. "Yes. Yes. Exactly! She's...everything I never knew I wanted. I love her so much. All my dreams, I'm willing to put them aside just to be with her. And thats so frightening to me." He wondered, briefly, if those words resonated with her.
He nodded, frowning. "Yes. It does. I never really believed that love could survive until I met Rachel. And when I left her, that fear was alive in my heart. But then I realized that I am willing to take that chance. I'd never forgive myself if I gave up that chance."
"You're right..." He said. "But still." He looked up, his eyes saying everything: "Maybe I am too young, but I can't, won't give this up. Not yet. I have to fight for it."
"I am going to try. I have to. I won't ever forgive myself if I don't."
"Yes." He said solemnly. "It is. I did it because I was about to loose all that was familiar to me, all that I was used to. But, in retrospect, I wish I would've stayed with McKinley. It would've been a risky choice. It may've failed. But at least I would've said that I did what I wanted."
Tag: Emma
Words:388
Song: Whispering- Spring Awakening
Notes: Wow! You go girl! 1000 plus words is pretty dang good. haha. |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Aug 11, 2010 2:32:11 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] As Jesse asked me if I could help him arrange a meeting between him and Will, I took a deep breath, but nodded feebly. It would only take a few moments of interacting with him, certainly. Convince him to hear Jesse out, then arrange a time between the two of them. It wasn’t going to kill me. Any time around him would hurt, though. Make my heart race, my palms sweat, my mind go fuzzy. It was terrible, really. “I, uhm. Sure,” I agreed finally, “Just… Let me know when, and I’ll… I’ll, uhm, t-talk to him.” Oh, I was dreading that chat.
I was glad he wasn’t one of those stubborn as hell students that was going to argue with whatever advice I gave them. I hated it when students did that. After all, I was the one who went to college for this, and I couldn’t stand it when the teenagers asked for my advice and then argued with me over it. But no, Jesse agreed with me and I was quite thankful for that. He didn’t question me, only agreed. Perhaps I’d be up to giving him advice more often. It was a nice change.
I went pale, frowning as he asked if Will had cheated on me. I started to say something about how he shouldn’t be asking me these questions, but I could only close my eyes, looking down. “I’m pretty sure, yes,” I murmured, awkwardly playing with the hem of my shirt, “I know that he, uhm. Made out with another woman, though I don’t know when it happened, exactly. I’m pretty sure we were still technically together, and I’m pretty sure I know why he did it.” He did it because I was a virgin and couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was quite content with me until I stopped him before the passion got too heated, and soon after, he probably kissed Shelby. He claimed that it wasn’t the case, that me being a virgin had nothing to do with it, but I was sure it did. I couldn’t give myself to him, at least not right away, and he was a grown man with needs. I just never was good enough for him, I supposed.
I nodded gently as he continued to agree on what I had said. “I’m glad that you’re determined to try,” I said simply, “Because that’s the best you can do to fix this, is just to try. If you need me to talk to anyone, just let me know, and I’ll do my best, but I think it’ll be better if you do all the talking. I’m always here if you need advice, though. I mean, by the sound of it, you seem to drop by the school a lot. But anyways, yes, trying is definitely good.”
With a small sigh, I offered him a sympathetic smile. “No use in regretting now, though,” I pointed out, wishing quickly that I could take my own stupid advice, “What’s done is done. You can’t change it, but you can right it. Focus on that, now. Not those pesky ‘what if’ statements. You’ll start to drive yourself crazy with those. Trust me, I’d know.” I grinned slightly, deciding to crack a joke. “Wouldn’t want to end up like crazy old me, now, would you?”
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 583.
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Aug 13, 2010 17:19:13 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
He wondered, judging by the way she was acting, if he should've asked at all. He realized that it would not be easy for her, but it was too late now. And he had to get some sort of redemption. He made a mental note to thank her more than once, just so she knew that he appreciated it. "Thank you. That'd be great. Maybe you could ask him to meet me at the starbucks down the road? On thursday after school?"
“I’m pretty sure, yes. I know that he, uhm. Made out with another woman, though I don’t know when it happened, exactly. I’m pretty sure we were still technically together, and I’m pretty sure I know why he did it.”
He frowned, looking worried for her. "Why do you think he did it? Thats not fair to you, you know."
“I’m glad that you’re determined to try,. Because that’s the best you can do to fix this, is just to try. If you need me to talk to anyone, just let me know, and I’ll do my best, but I think it’ll be better if you do all the talking. I’m always here if you need advice, though. I mean, by the sound of it, you seem to drop by the school a lot. But anyways, yes, trying is definitely good."
He smiled. "Determined is my middle name. When I set my mind to something, I will stop at nothing to get it. And, I wouldn't mind meeting more with you. I have a lot of things I'd like to sort out...if you don't mind, that is."
Her words sunk into his heart. It was true. He needed to let go. What happened was over. Now, all he could do was try to repair the damage. Although, letting go would be an process in and of itself. He smiled. "Ms Pillsbury. You're not crazy. Not to me."
Tag:[/color] Emma Words:388 Song: Whispering- Spring Awakening Notes: [/size] |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Aug 14, 2010 3:19:02 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center] When he specified details for when and where I needed to convince Will to be, I took a deep breath and nodded. I figured that there was a good chance I could do it. He probably wouldn’t be too thrilled at the thought of seeing Jesse, not after everything that happened, but maybe I could pull out some sort of charm that he saw in me and convince him. Maybe promise him that I would come along, and just sit in the corner while the two of them talked. “I’ll do my best to work it out,” I promised, offering him a firm nod of the head, “And if, for some reason, he won’t come… Well, I’ll show up and buy the coffee as an apology for my failure, and then if you’re really persistent I’ll give you a hint as to where he lives so you can storm his door down.” I laughed quietly, knowing that I wouldn’t ever do that, then thought aloud, “Perhaps I won’t specify a reason. Maybe I’ll just ask him to meet me at Starbucks, because I think he’ll definitely comes if he thinks it’s me who wants to see him. Probably won’t be too happy when I point you out, but at least he’ll be there. I suppose it doesn’t matter if he gets angry with me…” I trailed off, still working out how I was going to pull everything off. Maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult. I’d figure it out.
As Jesse asked why I thought Will had made out with Shelby, I sighed and shrugged a shoulder. “I think it was a mixture of things, you know. He’d been with his wife since he was sixteen, and then just a few weeks after the separation he moved on to me and… We both had feelings for each other for awhile, but it was just so fast. And I think I was, at first, just a replacement for Terri. Moving from one crazy to another, I was just… Easier to deal with. And I should have stopped it, but I let my feelings get the best of me.” I decided not to bring up the virgin thing. I really shouldn’t have been discussing this with him at all. Will would be furious if he knew that I was confiding in a seventeen year old about our failed relationship, but it felt nice to talk about it, and Will wouldn’t find out, I was sure. I trusted that Jesse wouldn’t go reiterate what I was saying back to the Spanish teacher. “Anyways, it’s just… It’s too late for us. He’s convinced it isn’t. Keeps… Keeps telling me that it’s not over, telling me that he loves me but I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it.” I let out a bitter chuckle, clenching my jaw for a moment.
Chuckling at his next statement in amusement, I nodded. “Well, that’s good that you’re not going to give up. Determination is a good quality. Keep it up and I’m sure you’ll get things fixed, or at least improve things. And of course, I’m here whenever you need someone to talk to. Just let me know when you’re stopping by, and I’ll be sure to do any paperwork during a free period or to clear my afternoon or something. I’m happy to help.” I offered him a gentle, genuine smile when he told me I wasn’t crazy. “Well, thank you, Jesse. I suppose, by definition, I am, but it’s still nice to know that someone aside from Will and Carl thinks I’m somewhat normal.” I laughed quickly, shaking my head.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 642.
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Aug 26, 2010 20:15:50 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
He could sense her nervousness about the ordeal. It was not going to be easy. It wasn't fair to ask her, but it had to be done. He had to do this. And, she too, would have to face Will eventually. They were alike, he realized. Both loved someone very much. Both had somewhat lost this lover and were now lost in the sea of confusion and pain, their feet searching for purchase. Both were seeking retribution, closure. And, he felt sure, both just wanted their own happy endings. It wasn't fair and Emma wouldn't like it, but he wanted to help her. It was improper. But, she needed it, he felt. He wouldn't have to tell her. He could try go gently help. She'd soon realize how stubborn he was. He didn't give up easily. It was one of the reasons why he was the main lead in Vocal Adrenaline. He was driven.
He laughed. "Thank you, Ms. Pillsbury. I appreciate it. I know it won't be easy for you. But, I'm really grateful." He paused. "Why is it that you think it doesn't matter that he's mad at you? You're the one who has reason to be mad. Not him."
“I think it was a mixture of things, you know. He’d been with his wife since he was sixteen, and then just a few weeks after the separation he moved on to me and… We both had feelings for each other for awhile, but it was just so fast. And I think I was, at first, just a replacement for Terri. Moving from one crazy to another, I was just… Easier to deal with. And I should have stopped it, but I let my feelings get the best of me.”
He was cautious with this topic. She was allowing him in for now. She didn't seem entirely comfortable. And, he didn't blame her. This was not something that a school shrink was supposed to do. They were probably advised not to share things with the student unless it had to do with the topic and could help the subject learn something. It made sense. But, he wasn't really a student. For one thing, he didn't go to McKinley anymore. Besides the fact that he was eighteen now and he was supposed to have graduated. And he would have, had Ms. Coccran forcibly suggested that he stay for another year to stick with Vocal Adrenaline.
It saddened him to hear about what Will had done and how Emma had perceived it. It wasn't fair of him to do that. Jesse loved Mr. Shue. He'd been the closest thing to a fatherly figure he'd ever had. He was a great singer and was always looking out for his kids. He had a good heart. But, he was a bit thick. He was blind to what he'd done to Emma. He had made several mistakes and was blissfully unaware of what the consequences would be. And now, poor Emma was doubting things. He'd made a mess.
"Are you sure?" He said. "I mean...Every time he talked about you or talked to, something was different in him. His eyes would light up." His eyes were very cautious, not wanting to over step his bounds. "Are you sure that he didn't just make a big mistake?"
He smiled brightly. It was an honest, genuine smile. "Thanks Ms. Pillsbury. I appreciate it. I really would like to talk about this stuff more often. If you don't mind."
Tag: Emma
Song: Cry- Kelly Clarkson
Notes: |
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Post by emma pillsbury on Sept 2, 2010 23:58:02 GMT -5
AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING MUCH TOO FAST [/color] w e l l i c a n h a r d l y c a t c h m y b r e a t h[/font][/color] AND I JUST HOPE THAT THIS WILL LAST - - - - - - - - - -[/color][/center]
I really should have ended the conversation where it was. But I liked talking about Will. Not in the obsessive “I love him” way (though I did), but I couldn’t really discuss things with anyone else. Jesse technically wasn’t a student anymore so the topic wasn’t completely taboo, despite the fact that it was a frowned upon discussion. I just needed to get it out and crying wasn’t the answer. I could hold myself together marvelously, so I wouldn’t risk breaking down in front of Jesse. The worst that would happen would be my voice breaking but even so it wasn’t that big of a deal. He thanked me, and I smiled softly, nodding in his direction. “Yes, well, I need to learn to face him sometime,” I sighed, “So why not help you out in the process?” My nose wrinkled when he asked why I shouldn’t care if he was angry with me, and I shrugged a shoulder. “If I care about how he feels towards me, then… Then I’ll never get over him. Plus, it’s hard to be mad at the man. Or, perhaps it’s just me that finds it impossible to hate him. I don’t know. I try, and I should, but… Then he looks at me, and gosh. His eyes are so soft. It was his eyes that did it, you know, in the first place. Made me fall for him.” I smiled slightly at the thought, but it quickly faded. “Gosh, there must be a million and one things wrong with me. I have a boyfriend, for goodness’ sakes. A good one, too. Kind, steady job, handsome. And all I can think about is how badly I want to kiss Will. It’s just… A mess. That’s what it is, a mess. I’m a mess.” I sighed, willing myself to stop rambling. That wouldn’t get me anywhere. Poor Jesse -- if he were as smart as I hoped, he’d have run out by now.
I frowned and blushed, bowing my head. I was clearly embarrassed about the mistake. I only softened when he explained that Will had a special look reserved for when he spoke of her. I couldn’t be fooled, though. He loved me, and I knew he did. He had said so on multiple occasions, declaring that he’d fight for me, but what did it matter? It had to be over. I didn’t know how we’d be able to work things out, and surely he’d get over me by the time Carl and I were finished. If we were ever finished. I didn’t know how the future would go, but I knew it would be wrong to leave Carl for Will -- at the same time, though, it was wrong for me to lead Carl astray. I certainly had to factor the dentist into the equation. “He certainly made a mistake, but… I don’t know. I want him, more than anything. But it seems too far out of reach. I have Carl to think about. It just… I don’t know, Jesse. I wish I did, but I just… I don’t know what to do.”
[/blockquote][/blockquote] WORD COUNT: 543.
CREDIT: sonneh @ caution 2.0 |
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Post by Jesse St. James on Sept 5, 2010 23:44:51 GMT -5
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away." [/color] "Who am I to break this young girl's heart?/How the mighty rise and fall/I will not be beaten/You have yet to see me shining, shining/I wont take this lying down/I will not be beaten
You have yet to see me shining, shining."
- - -
He wondered if it was as nice for her to talk about Will as it was for him to talk about Rachel. It was not something that he particularly enjoyed to do. But, it felt good to pour out his heart to someone who understood, who pitied him. He never liked to be pitied in the past. But, things were harder than they used to be. He kept silent. He never wanted to try to prove his innocence, probably because he was not innocent. He was wrong. He was the first to admit it. He was not quiet to admit how stupid and foolish he was. But, he had never been given a chance to talk about his feelings or how bad it made him feel. It was all about how Rachel and the New Directions felt. And rightly so.
He nodded and smiled. "Yes. I suppose so." He watched her closely as she spoke. He could tell that she still cared for him immensely, but no longer wanted to. That was the greatest difference between them. He never wanted to move on from Rachel. But, he understood why Emma wanted to. She was hurt. She had a right to feel as though she deserved to move on. But, deep down, she probably still cared just as much, if not more so, than before. She probably felt like Rachel was feeling.
He looked at her with a sense of pity and sympathy. "Well. It's hard. You love him and he's done you wrong. I don't blame you. But...have you talked to him about it? Heard his side? Obviously, he needs to earn back your trust. But, you don't know what his intentions were. I know for sure that Ms. Coccran did it to toy with New Directions. It might've been a mistake..."
Frowning, he looked down at the stages and then back at her. It saddened him that Will and Emma were having problems. No relationship was perfect of course. But these two were wonderful together. He wanted them to be together, felt as though they were meant to be together. But, as he already learned, he couldn't effect change in relationships anymore. His wants no longer lined up with what the reality was.
"Do you love Carl?" He asked, boldly.
Tag: Emma
Song: Cry- Kelly Clarkson
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